Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

HO s p i t a l

H U M O R

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

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Tips for W o r k i n g Hard

Tips for

W o r k i n g Hard


1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.


2. Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.


3. Messy desk.

Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.

Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.


4. Voice Mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.

If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.

One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.


6. Appear to Work Late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.


7. Creative Sighing for Effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.


8. Stacking Strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.


9. Build Vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.

Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.


10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

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MOVIES NAMES - HUMOR

MOVIES NAMES - HUMOR

BY COMPUTER EXPERTS !!

Har Dil Jo CHAT Karega

Kaho na virus hai

Hum aap ke CUBICLE mein rahate hai

Hamara RESUME aap ke haath mein hai

JAVA wale OFFER le jayenge

Hum WALK-IN ja chuke sanam

Dhai akshar HRD ke

Jis Desh mein DOLLARS rahata Hain

Hum To US jaayega

Tera OFFER mil gaya

Sapne DOLLARS ke

PM ne phir yaada dilaya

Aa ab KUCH KAAM kare

RESUME se OFFER LETTER tak

Raju ban gaya IT MAN..!

JAVA wale ASP wale

US to jana hi tha

PACKAGE ho to aisa

COMPANY No.1

Dekhte dekhte SHARES mil Gaya

PLATFORM apna apna

Yeh H1 kab aayegi

PM ek numbari PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari

Ek tha VACANCY

Mera Naam BODYSHOPPER

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INTELLIGENCE TEST

INTELLIGENCE TEST - QUIZ FOR THE WISE GUY !
Time Limit: 2 Weeks.

What colour was Rana Pratap's WHITE horse?

If D.D is the short form of DOORDARSHAN, what's the long form?


Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY

Metric conversion.
How many feet in 0.0 meters?

What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?


What language is spoken in RUSSIA?

How to you spell PURPLE?

Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the

previous five.


Where does rain come from?
(a) Himalayas
(b) Trees
(c) Indian Ocean
(d) the sky

Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

What are coat hangers used for?

Which creature is called Giraffe?

Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Where is the first floor in a three story building located?


Advanced math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

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STUPID'S EXAM PAPER

STUPID'S EXAM PAPER

[This one's little difficult than last year's]

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
digits or "_" allowed)

2. Sex?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Don't know.

3. What's your age group?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0

4. What is 2 + 2=?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV

5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
does your brother have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal

6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .

7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?

8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".

Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) some times
( ) uncountable

9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
( ) One rupee?
( ) 100 paise?

10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)

11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?

12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?

13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

14. Earth is Flat?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False

15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
( ) TRUE
( ) NOT FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?

17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

18. Complete the following poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")

19. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 19
( ) 20

20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
( ) YES
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )

22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) HOCKEY


23. What is the capital of India?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA

24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?

25. Fill in the blank:
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING

26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

27. What comes first?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omelet

28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
( ) YES
( ) NO

29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Father
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter

31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven

32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE

33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.

35. On which day Good Friday falls
( ) Sunday
( ) Wednesday
( ) Saturday

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Computer Terms funny

Computer Terms funny

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought

for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and

money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and

on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

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Things You'd Love To Say At Work... But Can't

Things You'd Love To Say At Work... But Can't

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

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Funny Definitions, Funny word meanings

Abundance - A baker's exercise (A-bun-dance)
Arbitrator - A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Arcade - A lemonade type drink served on Noah's Ark.
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.
Babysitter - A small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.
Band-Aid - A fund to help a band.
Bernadette - The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize - What a crook sees with.
Cadillac - Lack of cattle.
Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Control - A short, ugly inmate.
Cookout - The cook's day off.
Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cowlick - Bashing a cow.
Cowhide - Game of Hide and Seek played by cows.
Detail - Removing a tail.
Dieting - The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Dog Paddle - A rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it.
Doughnut - Holey food.
Eclipse - What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper - A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fan Club - A weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans.
Feather Brained - Fuzzy headed.
Feather Head - An American Indian Chief.
Fire Escape - A way for a fire to go out.
First Lady - Eve.
Flying Saucers - The wife is on a rampage.
Funny Paper - (1) A paper that laughs. (2) The paper you read instead of going to church.
Ghost Town - A town full of Haunted Houses.
Girl Scout - A boy that "scouts" for girls.
Good-bye - A bargain.
Gossip - 24-hour teller.
Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.
Hardship - A ship protected by thick cover.
Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.
Hay - Grass a-la-mowed.
Headlight - A dizzy spell.
Heavy Duty - Loading an elephant.
Hence - An enclosure around a hen yard.
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does.
High school - A school atop the Sears Building.
High water - The main reason Noah built the ark.
Himalaya - A rooster that lays an egg.
Holy Smoke - A church on fire.
House Keeper - A lady that kicks her husband out and keeps the house.
Ideal Person - A card player that wants to deal everytime.
Illegal - A sick bird.
Installment - Putting a horse in a stall.
Lad - A short ladder.
Laughing Stock - Cattle, horses, sheep and hogs responding to a good joke.
Layaway Plan - A pre-arranged burial plan.
Laying Down The Law - Putting the law aside and making your own rules.
Left Bank - What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Life Jacket - A special coat that lasts a lifetime.
Lip Service - Applying lipstick.
Little Dipper - A small boy diving.
Long Jump - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Matchbook - A book about matches.
Megaphone - A very large telephone.
Mistletoe - Any animal with a toe missing.
Misty - How golfers create divots.
Mohair - What bald headed men need.
Monkey Business - A petstore employing monkeys only.
Moron - Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
Moth Ball - A special social event for moths.
Negative Feedback - One result of seasickness.
Network - The process of making nets.
Outfit - Pitching a fit outdoors.
Over Leap - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Overloaded - An elephant riding a bicycle.
Oyster Bed - A place for an oyster to sleep.
Pacifist - One that can't advocate peace without clinching his fist.
Paradox - Two physicians.
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pedestrian - An endagered species.
Period - A comma that curled up and went to sleep.
Pharmacist - A helper on the farm.
Piggyback - A lost pig is back home.
Pigment - A mint plant grown to feed hogs.
Pineapple - An apple that grew on a pine tree.
Polarize - What penguins see with.
Pole Vault - A vault where poles hid from Hitler.
Polite - A light on a pole.
Polygon - A parrot that got away.
Priesthood - A special headpiece for a priest.
Primate - Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Protest - Testing a professional person.
Put-down - To hot to handle.
Quarterback - Change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a dollar bill.
Reform - To gain or lose weight.
Refuse - Replacing a burned out fuse.
Relief - What trees do in the spring.
Remind - A brain transplant.
Rest Stop - The traffic light is stuck on red.
Retire - Replacement of tires.
Ringworm - Worm with a bell.
Rock Music - A lullaby sung in a rocking chair.
Roman - A person that never settles very long in one place.
Sausage - "Groundog".
Scorekeeper - Someone that knows the score but keeps it to himself.
Showoff - The show has been cancelled.
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does.
Single Entry - Single people only.
Standing Order - Freeze!
Subdued - Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed - Brought litigation against a government official.
Sunny - A bright boy.
Sunbeam - A heat proof beam supporting the sun.
Sunburn - What you basked for.
Sundial - An old-timer.
Sweater - A person that freely perspires.
Syntax - All the money collected at the church from sinners.
Teenagers - People who are doing the things you wish we had thought of when we were younger.
Time Keeper - A guy that didn't return your watch.
Tireless - Have a car but have no tires.
Tooth Picks - The choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth.
Touch-Me-Not - A person with a severe sunburn.
Travelers Aid - A soft drink for tourists.
Vitamin - What you do when someone comes to the house.
Waffle Iron - A special additive to put more iron in waffles.
Waterfall - A "watered-down" place in a stream.
Well Done - A water, gas or oil well is completed.
Weekend - A book with a blah ending.
Whether - Unpredictable weather.
Wildlife - Living it up!
Witchcraft - Handmade crafts made for Halloween.
Woodchuck - Throwing a heavy pole, post or other item made of wood.
Workout - An outside job.
Writer - One who corrects a wrong.
Year Book - A book that takes a year to read.
Zero Hour - Time kept by a "cuckoo" clock.

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ATM FUNNY STUFF

ATM FUNNY STUFF

Difference between men and women when getting cash from an ATM

Men

1. Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip

Women

1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phonecard back in handbag
12. Look for bank card
13. Insert card
14. Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
21. Enter huge amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter large amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter smaller amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Get out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE!!
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake
47. Stop at mall
48. Spend money
49. Go back to step 1

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warning Labels

warning Labels

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a hairdryer : Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of sweets:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a dessert: Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)

On a Pudding packet:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. )

On packaging for an iron:Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On a sleep medicine:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)


On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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Funny Quotes

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is wife !

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I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

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A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

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Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

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Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

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You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it


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Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

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My wife and I always compromise. she admit she is wrong and I agree with her.

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Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.


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It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

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Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

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Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

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Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby..."

Even the word imposible means, "I'm Possible"


Destiny is not a matter of Chance, it is a matter of Choice...


Marriage is an institution where a Man looses his Bachelor's Degree and the Woman gains her Masters'...

1 day u may ask me: Wat is more important 2 u, me or
ur life? I will say: My life? u will walk away from me without
knowing that U R MY LIFE

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

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It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

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Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

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Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
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You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
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Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
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"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
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Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
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Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia

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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

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The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
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Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
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Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
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Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
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Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
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The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
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What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

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How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
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Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

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"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
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"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
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There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
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"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

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The road to success is always under construction.

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Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
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Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

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Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
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In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
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Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
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Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
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He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea

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"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

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Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

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If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
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It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
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Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
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"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757



Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?



My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates



What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
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Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
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You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
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Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!
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Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of

the world.

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Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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A penny saved is ridiculous.

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Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

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How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

They lived happily until they got married.

"What did one ghost say to another?"

"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"

"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."

Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"

"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"

"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"

"I couldn't lift the table."

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."

"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.

The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.

"What do use for washing dishes?"

"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"

"Fine. She vanished last night."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

"I heard you missed school yesterday."

"Not a bit."

"I gotta 'A' in spelling."

"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.

I have no objections - I let her talk.

There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.

Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.

"My uncle has a cedar chest."

"My uncle has a wooden leg."

"I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two!

Every man/woman should marry - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!

Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put off today!

Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

Hard work never killed anybody - But why take the risk!

Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!

When two's company, three's the result!

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82.6% of statistics are wrong...

98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.

If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good

Illiterate?... Write for FREE HELP!

Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!

But I don't like the cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!

The more you say, the less people remember.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

Never hit a man with glasses... Use your fist!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely

He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me

Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?

Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?

I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Why remember quotes when you can make them up?

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.

Too bad they missed.

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Should women have children after 35?

No, 35 children are enough!

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Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?

No, I went for that five years ago.

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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

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Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free

Trip around the Sun.

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Your future depends on your dreams

So go to sleep !

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Work fascinates me

I can look at it for hours !

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God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends

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Love is photogenic;

it needs darkness to develop

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Children in backseats cause accidents;

Accidents in backseats cause children !

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A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place

and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra

crossing there ?

The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do

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Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of

board which said FINE FOR PARKING

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A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been

brought here for drinking.

Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

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Can you do anything that other people can't?

Sure, I can read my handwriting.

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Whom are you working for?

Same people. My wife and four kids.

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I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.

Yes. Meow.

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When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?

She answers: My husband's cheque book.

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